


The Past Ain’t Through with You

by byitisee



Series: Pick a Side [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Anxious Logan, Anxious Patton, Anxious Roman, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I always make them all anxious..., NO Swearing, No Smut, POV Multiple, Panic Attacks, What else is new?, clean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-10-07 11:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17365175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byitisee/pseuds/byitisee
Summary: Fic title is from "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance.Chapter 1 title is from Boy Division by My Chemical Romance.I've been listening to a lot of MCR... But I've also been writing a long chapter :)





	1. I’m Not Asking, You’re Not Telling

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title is from "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance.
> 
> Chapter 1 title is from Boy Division by My Chemical Romance.
> 
> I've been listening to a lot of MCR... But I've also been writing a long chapter :)

“We have a problem.” Virgil appeared in Patton’s room, already nervous without the effects of the room exaggerating things.

“What’s that, kiddo?”

“Roman and Logan won’t talk to each other, and Roman doesn’t even want to talk to you…”

Patton looked up in a sudden mixture of alarm and sadness.

“Sorry… I know you were just trying to keep things under control, but he’s… He’s pretty hurt about the whole thing, and it feels like you’re a part of it. To him, not me.”

“Are you mad at Logan too?” Patton looked a little relieved, but still showed signs of deep loneliness. Being separated from other sides was basically torture for him, and that fact didn’t do anything to calm Virgil down.

“I keep trying to find excuses to forgive him, but he’s not giving us anything to work with, Pat. He won’t even explain what happened… This is personal for me and Roman, and it’ll take some work on his part for us to get over such a major… betrayal…” He trailed off uncertainly when he saw tears in Patton’s eyes.

Patton blinked rapidly and forced a wobbly smile. “Well, we’ll just have to act as messengers then. Anything we need to communicate between the two of them or between me and Roman about videos and stuff can be passed through us!”

Virgil pursed his lips. “That should work, but are you ok? With all this, I mean…”

Patton sighed. “I have to be, I guess. Logan won’t talk to me about it either… Let’s just hope it all gets resolved soon, right kiddo?”

Virgil only hesitated a moment before pulling Patton into a cautious hug. “I’ll be here this time, ok?”

Virgil could no longer see Patton’s face, but he felt him squeeze back just a little bit tighter.

***

“Don’t bring it up during the video, ok? Thomas doesn’t need to know yet, and the viewers certainly don’t…” Virgil added the puppy dog eyes he’d been practicing for good measure.

Roman’s glare let up slightly, and he sighed in resigned exasperation. “Fiiiiiiine, but he better not start anything either…”

“Trust me, he won’t. He’s probably having this same conversation right now. Let’s just have a fun, relaxing video, and maybe he’ll…” Virgil trailed off, suddenly dizzy.

“Virge? Is it happening again?” Roman looked like he wanted to reach out, but he knew better than to unexpectedly touch Virgil.

“I’ll be fine. Must be all the stress…” It probably wasn’t, and he knew what it probably was, but he wasn’t about to have that conversation right now. He couldn’t help feeling guilty that he was still keeping his secret despite everything going on with Logan, but he couldn’t deal with this one yet. He couldn’t make it real.

“V?” Roman actually did grab his arm this time, which probably meant he’d called his name a few times while Virgil was lost in thought.

“Sorry… Think I might lay down for a bit before I need to get in costume. You good?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m golden, just…” Roman sighed before pulling him into a hug. “I know you’re taking on a lot of Logic’s job right now, and I just want to make sure you’re not overworking yourself.”

Virgil returned the hug briefly before wiggling his way out. “Yeah, working on that… Later, Princey.”

***

“Of course you can’t come, Deceit, did you really think I’d let you?” Patton glared at the Dark Side.

“No, I just came here assuming it was pointless.” Deceit grabbed his costume from the bed, being sure to mess up Patton’s neatly folded costume in the process.

“Hold it, wait right there.”

Deceit stopped immediately, looking mildly annoyed at the use of the dad voice.

“Hand me the name-tag. I can’t have you deciding to show up anyway, and I know you wouldn’t dare appear before Roman with an incomplete costume. You get your pride from him, you know.”

Deceit’s glare was venomous, but Patton simply took the name-tag and looked pointedly at the door. Deceit had no power over him. He looked at the time and gasped in surprise. He was about to be late for filming! He’d have to trust Logan not to start any fights… He didn’t have time to tell him not to.

***

Roman had only just popped up, and Logan was already telling him to leave. Rude much? Still, he told Virgil he’d play nice, so he elected to simply ignore the jab. When Logan’s attitude did not change, he briefly considered a verbal counterstrike before Thomas actually took his side for once and told Logan to stop. He smiled to himself at the small victory.

His smile didn’t last long, however, because, at that very moment, Patton chose to make his appearance. Then again… Patton did seem a little off. Perhaps he, too, is making up for Logan’s slack work recently? Yes, planning details for next Halloween should not be weighing on Morality at all—certainly not in December… 

***

Virgil, listening from behind the stair railing, winced when he realized he had forgotten to tell Thomas to wear a scary costume. With all of the content-related messages being passed around, that one had slipped his mind. Roman covered for him, though.

Still, Roman could’ve at least pretended to be scared… No, wait, he doesn’t want him to lie about it, just- Maybe it wasn’t Roman’s fault, but he wasn’t helping…

“Sorry, bud, I just don’t think that we… find you as… scary, anymore.”

“What?” Did Thomas really just say he can’t scare him anymore? What’s he doing wrong? Is his secret starting to affect his ability to do his job?

He tried to focus on Logan’s claim to be fearless and powerful, but even another side’s blatant denial (that they had presumably conquered already) couldn’t distract him from what he was hearing.

Also, why was Logan lashing out at him so much? It’s not like he’d been doing much of his job lately either… He took a deep breath. He couldn’t get into that right now. Not after he promised Patton that he wouldn’t. Especially now that Pat was defending him… Yeah, he definitely couldn’t start a fight with Logan right now.

And Patton just illustrated why he didn’t actually want them to fake it… Great. Still, he immediately regretted snapping at him. He was doing his best.

Well, it looks like he had to make a point here. Might as well show off the new skill he’d been practicing with Roman… Startling him, apparently, judging by his immediate scream. The darkness was actually a little calming for him, but it was like a taste of his room. It made everyone else a little anxious.

***

Logan immediately felt the anxiety fighting with Apathy’s influence, but his Dark Side didn’t let it push him away completely. Still, he had a moment to wonder if Virgil might accidentally free him in the process of making his own point. Maybe his own uncaring, thoughtless comments about Virgil not doing his job would turn out useful after all. He felt a moment of anger towards Apathy before the latter had regained control.

***

Virgil managed to replicate the approximate sound of his scary voice without actually using it, hoping Thomas and his viewers wouldn’t notice. As much as he wanted to influence the others right now, he had to stay in control, and he was already slipping fast. The taste of his room had helped a little, and it felt good to subtly lash out at Logan through his costume, but he was getting more anxious by the second. He just wanted Apathy, but he had to see this through. They had to understand.

He was actually really proud of Roman for being so genuine, but he had to make clear to Princey that he wouldn’t be exempt from all of this. He had to learn this lesson too. Still, he did heed Patton’s nervous warning enough to pull back when Roman retaliated. This didn’t need to become a verbal battle to make his point, so he relented.

He was honestly a little surprised that Logan hadn’t figured out his plan yet. Still, he could be a good manipulator when he needed to be. After all, he trained with the best… “You should just let the past die. Kill it, if you have to.” Perfect. Now they were starting to argue the basics of his own point against him, and he just had to eventually let them win.

He was starting to feel pretty confident about this whole thing when he managed to actually hit Thomas in the face with a rock. Really? Did he not have enough going on already? His emotions were definitely starting to get to Thomas, judging by his reaction to his time in the closet… He’d have to let up a bit.

***

Patton thought he knew what Virgil was up to, the smart cookie, so he offered himself up as the next “victim”. “How about me next, ya bat-winged cherub?” He knew that would make it sound like he hadn’t learned the lesson yet, so Virge could keep going. The others certainly didn’t get it yet, although Logan probably should… What was going on with him?

Also, why was Virgil faking his scary voice like that? Was he trying to make sure not to actually scare them too much? Aw, the kiddo was still worried about everybody… He felt a rush of pride for the younger side. Maybe he could reference some emo lyrics… That’s basically Virgil’s version of a hug.

***

Roman could tell by the look on Virgil’s face when they started quoting lyrics that he wasn’t actually trying to hurt anyone right now—especially since he wasn’t even using his real scary voice. Still, he thought he’d keep up a playful back-and-forth. It seemed like Virgil was going for mild conflict, and, even if he wasn’t, he tended to enjoy their banter.

***

“And now we’re basically style twins!”

Virgil would have to tell Patton to tone it down a notch, or he’d ruin the plan… He was supposed to be overwhelmed by the Emo phase, not proud of it… He took it surprisingly well, too. Had he already figured it out? He tried to hide his smirk.

Unfortunately, Thomas clearly still didn’t get it, and he didn’t think Logan did either.

“…lyrics that resonated with me and made me feel less alone.” Well, maybe Thomas was getting closer…

He thought about how he could give Roman a subtle heads-up that he wasn’t actually about to attack his self-esteem. Maybe if he tried to sound a bit like Deceit? “Princey, Princey, Princey… So naïve…” Judging by his reaction, he seemed to understand that this was going to be a fake attack. That was a relief… He didn’t want to have to try to prove it to the Creative Side later.

Apparently, Roman felt like playing along… “Hate to say it, but this is a miserable failure on your part.” Roman would never tell him that—in those words, specifically. He knew Deceit used to tell him that.

***

Patton looked at Virgil worriedly when Thomas screamed about the whole vine thing. Roman clearly wasn’t actually upset by it, but was just playing along for Virgil’s sake, so the fear and insecurity must be coming from Virgil himself. Since it couldn’t be the fake scary voice, Virgil must be getting overwhelmed. He should probably take over Thomas’s attention and emotions for a bit to give Virgil a chance to calm down.

“Oh my god, you’re awesome…” Apparently, Thomas appreciated it. He turned to Logan to make sure he didn’t feel left out.

Patton was genuinely surprised when he heard Logan swear. Why would he be so upset just from a few puns?

***

Logan felt the anxiety decreasing again, and realized that Patton had taken over Thomas’s emotions, giving him nothing to fight Apathy with. Judging from Patton’s expression, his cursing must have been aloud, but he now couldn’t bring himself to care. Again.

***

Roman looked up in surprise. Did Logan just swear? On camera? What was going on with him? Something was clearly wrong… He decided he could probably manage a little better than tense but civil, under the circumstances. Besides, he really had been talking to Logan about this same point before… Well, a few months ago.

Virgil gave him a look, and he immediately understood what the younger needed. He could already feel a bit of the anxiety himself, so he wasted no time in taking over Thomas’s emotions for a bit. Everyone would just be a bit more… dramatic, that’s all.

***

Patton let himself stay behind a moment to talk to Thomas. He was getting a little overwhelmed himself, and he wanted some advice on how he could better help Virgil. The poor kiddo clearly wasn’t doing as well as he should be, and that just wouldn’t stand.

“And I think… you’re doing a really great job.” Patton let that sink in. Yeah… Maybe he was doing alright.

***

Finally, Virgil could just sink out and try to relax before inevitably taking over Thomas by accident. Maybe he wouldn’t have to if he just… Who was he kidding, there was no way he wasn’t going to Apathy right now. He needed it.

The door opened before he even had a chance to knock. “Virgil, I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow… Should we plan to do this more than once a week?”

“No! No, just… Today was a lot, and I need… Don’t make me say it, you know what I mean…”

“Indeed,” Apathy smiled in a way that made Virgil uncomfortable before reaching out his hand.

***

Logan was shocked to discover that Apathy had not followed him back to his room. Would he actually get a moment of reprieve? What should he do with this opportunity? There were hundreds of possibilities, and he had considered and decided against about 68 of them before Apathy returned, looking happier than usual.

“You didn’t actually think I’d just leave, did you?”

Honestly… no, he didn’t. Still, he had hoped… But, it didn’t matter. He resigned himself to another evening of overwhelming emotions as Apathy grabbed his hand.

***

Virgil felt barely a flutter of anxiety when Deceit showed up. Maybe Apathy had gone a little too far… He hadn’t even locked his door.

He felt a bit more than a flutter when Deceit reminded him where his love of Halloween comes from… Sure, it was ultimately from Roman, but he had learned to love it as a Dark Side, and Deceit had been the one influencing him at the time, not Creativity.

He was about to lose it when Deceit tore down all the peace he had just gotten from Apathy with one lie. And what did that even mean? How could he be rid of all of them? Feeling his panic rising, he realized he would have to go to Logan to figure this out. But… Could he? Could he handle everything with Logan right now? What if Roman felt betrayed? Especially if his own secret comes out in the process… Roman would never forgive him, and Logan would never feel the need to explain himself. He would just argue that Virgil’s secret was worse. And it probably was, too. He steadied himself on the wall. He had no choice.


	2. Cause We’re All a Bunch of Liars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance. I swear, this song just happens to have a lot of good lyrics for my chapters...

Apathy scrambled to turn invisible as Virgil stumbled through the door, giving Logan the opportunity he had been waiting for for months. He didn’t waste any time. “Virgil! Give me an attack!”

***

Honestly, thank goodness because there was no way Virgil could’ve prevented that. He didn’t have time to question the strange request before he stumbled to his knees as his panic hit 10, but he focused just enough to send the cloud of darkness that was suddenly rolling off of him towards Logan. He just hoped the Logical Side knew what he was doing…

***

“Ok, I didn’t really want to talk to you, but Thomas is having a panic attack, and Virgil isn’t in his room.” Roman looked up to see Virgil and Logan both panicking on Logan’s floor. Well, that explains that… “Virge, what happened? What do you need?”

“My room,” the shaking side choked out desperately between gasping breaths.

“Take me too,” Logan managed between equally rapid breaths, causing Roman to pause in alarm with his hand already on Virgil’s shoulder to help him sink out.

“That’s a horrendous idea! Why would I take you to his room when you’re already-”

“Do it,” Virgil cut him off. He didn’t have to add the please. It was clear in his eyes.

Roman pursed his lips before reaching his other hand to the Logical Side.

***

Patton was already in Virgil’s room pacing back and forth when the other three appeared. “Thank goodness! Wait… What’s Logan doing here? And why is he-”

“Something’s wrong. He told me to, but I don’t know, I just-” Virgil had to stop to pull in several gasping breaths, and Patton noticed that Roman hadn’t let go of Virgil’s shoulder yet.

“He told you to give him a panic attack?” Roman sounded as confused as Patton felt.

“And you didn’t ask him why?” It slipped out before Patton had really thought about it, and Virgil went white as a ghost.

“No, I couldn’t, I just-”

“Ok, somebody tell Virge what’s going on right now! V, you didn’t do anything wrong, just breathe.” Roman stood defensively between Virgil and Logan, almost like he expected Logan to launch at the younger side.

“Apathy-”

***

Virgil somehow paled even further. Did Logan know? How could he have found out? Would Apathy betray him to Logan even though he hates Logan so much? No, Apathy loved the chance to affect him; he wouldn’t ruin that… How could Logan have found out?

Logan’s eyes widened in shock. “No… Please tell me you didn’t.” Virgil’s eyes said it all. “How could you?”

Virgil couldn’t breathe. It had been bad enough without this piled on top, not to mention the guilt of attacking Logan without question, and he couldn’t take anymore. “Get out,” he growled in the scary voice. “Please, all of you, just-”

Roman caught him as he doubled over, glaring at Logan like it was somehow his fault. “I’m not leaving you like this.”

Virgil swore in pain and desperation as he forced Roman to look at him. “Do you see all the eyeshadow under Logan’s eyes right now? Yours is worse. I’m corrupting you, but you care too much to slow down enough to actually start panicking, and I appreciate it and all, but get out before you shut down!”

“Please Virgil, you can’t make me leave- He’ll just do it again, and I can’t stop him, Virgil- I can’t-”

Virgil looked to Logan in desperate confusion. “Who?”

“Apathy, he’s been- For months, and I can’t-”

***

Patton had to get control of this before they just kept spiraling. Fully aware of how it would affect Virgil’s anxiety, he reluctantly used his dad voice. “Focus!” Everyone froze, and Virgil actually whimpered. Patton forced himself to remain in control for everyone’s sake, but dropped the dad voice, figuring it’d be easier to calm Virgil that way. “Good. Now, Roman will help Virgil calm down while I help Logan. If Apathy has been involved, we’ll all have to stay here to be safe.” It’d be hard to calm Logan in Virgil’s room, and it’d be even harder to calm Virgil when everyone was in danger, but he couldn’t think of any other way.

***

Roman forced himself to not give into the panic. Virgil needed him. If he could slay dragon witches and function—even briefly—under the effects of both Virgil and Despair, he could handle talking them both through this. “Just breathe with me, Virge, we can do this. We’ll figure it all out, ok?”

Virgil nodded with tears in his eyes, finally collapsing into Roman’s open arms as the Creative Side continued to breathe with him.

***

Logan’s breathing had calmed significantly, but he didn’t feel anywhere near calm. He probably wouldn’t be able to calm that much more until he left Virgil’s room, but he fought hard to maintain as much calm as possible. He was exhausted—the past months had been torture, quite literally, and he had very little energy left to participate in the conversation he knew was coming.

“What’s going on, Logan?” Patton kept his voice low so as not to overwhelm Virgil and Roman any further.

Logan sighed. How could he go about this? Wracking his brain, he finally thought he had found a solution. “Allow me to show you.”

“What do you mean? How could you show us?”

“There’s a room that I believe the three of you are unfamiliar with,” he started, raising his voice a bit to include the other two sides. “It allows us to share select memories with one another in a visual format, much like-”

“A movie?”

Logan pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yes, Roman, similar to a movie. I find this to be quite superior to verbal explanations of events. However, the door to this room cannot be locked, so-”

“I can’t, L, Deceit-”

“We’ll come back to Deceit, Virgil, but Apathy will be looking for me as well. Therefore, we must bring Thomas.”


	3. You Don’t Know My Heart the Way You Know My Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Message Man" by Twenty One Pilots

Virgil was aware that he was in basically the worst possible headspace to try to process any new information—especially if the information was already likely to overwhelm him—but he couldn’t really say no after pressuring Logan for so long. The crux of the whole argument had been Logan’s unwillingness to explain, and now… He was clearly willing. What had changed?

Roman grabbed his hand suddenly, whether to show Virgil it would be ok or to share his own worries over the subject, Virgil wasn’t sure. He squeezed back as a thank you and a comfort. Roman would understand.

“Virgil, could you do me a favor?”

“Uh, strongly depends what it is…?”

Logan sighed. “If at any point I start seeming calm, could you counter it with anxiety?”

“What? Why?” Logan was being really weird. He did remember how much anxiety sucks, right?

Logan’s eyes narrowed. He must have been reading him again… Could he not just leave his thoughts alone?

“Not if you continue thinking things like that.” Logan’s glare was even more piercing.

Everyone else looked confused, but Virgil just sighed. “At least answer my question… What’s with the sudden desire to be anxious?”

“I wouldn’t call it a desire, exactly. That’s part of the problem. I tend to far prefer the influence of my Dark Side, but Apathy tends to have much too strong a hold over me. It becomes difficult to… function.”

“Oh, Logan, I think we’d be able to tell if you were being corrupted by Apathy… Don’t you think, kiddos?” Patton looked around for support, but his confidence dwindled when he saw Logan’s face. “Or… not?”

“L, what’s going on?” Virgil really needed some answers, or he was pretty sure he might explode.

“Why would you explode, that makes no-”

“It means I’d get really overwhelmed.”

“Then why wouldn’t you just-”

“I don’t like even thinking the word panic unless absolutely necessary. Are you done interrogating me?”

“Ok, um, Logan…? You had something to show us?” Virgil had almost forgotten Thomas was even there, but he was glad he was… He and Logan can spiral each other pretty quickly if they’re both anxious.

“Yes, but I’m still waiting for confirmation from Virgil that he will keep me minimally anxious in order to avoid-”

“Yeah, alright, I’ll mess with your head if you seem remotely at peace, happy?”

“I’d be happier if you’d stop interrupting me, but yes, that will suffice.”

***

“So… How does all this even work?” Roman had been doing everything in his power not to start or escalate any fights, but he was nearly vibrating with tension just being in the same room as Logan. He really needed answers.

“First, would you mind conjuring a few chairs, Roman? I keep this room clear of clutter generally, but I would prefer in this case to sit. I doubt I am alone in this,” he added, with a glance at Virgil.

Yeah, everyone did seem exhausted. Sitting was probably a good idea. He briefly considered creating a comfortable couch and then a stiff, wooden chair for Logan, but thought better of it. “Any preference for what type of chair?”

“Comfortable office chairs with wheels, ideally. These memories can be… interactive.”

“I’m so confused…” Thomas muttered under his breath, and Roman wholeheartedly agreed.

As he conjured 5 cushy rolling chairs—each with the primary color of one of the sides and rainbow for Thomas—he turned back to Logan. “So, is this more like a video game than a movie? What do you mean, interactive?”

Logan sighed in clear exasperation. “It’s not particularly similar to either… It can be passively observed or interactive, depending on one’s preference, but even the interactive portions are not like a game. When you approach different sides within the memory, you can simply observe additional detail. There’s a sort of… aura, for lack of a better word, that can divulge significant detail about the state of a certain side within the memory.”

“Oh! Is it like that scene in Steven Universe when Steven is floating around and seeing the auras of the other gems and trying to tell the diamonds that-”

“Spoilers!” Patton exclaimed while slapping a hand over Thomas’s mouth.

Logan shook his head, but added, “yes, that’s a pretty close comparison. However, Steven was able to hear thoughts and project his own thoughts to the other gems, both of which we cannot do in this room.”

Everyone else looked as confused as Roman felt. “So… What do the auras… do?”

“It will be much easier to just show you. Besides, it takes practice to interpret the auras.”

“So what do we do?” Patton was showing more patience than Roman thought Logan deserved… ever the mediator.

“Just give me a second to pull up the memory. All you need to do is observe.”  
***

Logan was getting frustrated. This was supposed to be a simpler, less time and energy consuming way to tell them everything, and they seemed unable to stop questioning his every move. “Allow me to start with a memory most of you were present for.”

“But if we were there, we already know what happened…”

If it were anyone but Virgil, Logan would’ve snapped. Virgil, however, gets a pass when he’s actively trying to push through panic in order to help everyone else. If he’s being honest with himself, he often gives Virgil a pass in general. He’s been through enough without petty arguments stacked on top. “Perhaps my reasoning will become clear once you are able to see the memory in question.” Before anyone could say anything, he pulled up the memory.

Past Roman took a threatening step towards Past Logan just as the latter’s expression morphed from panic to utter calm. “How could you not tell me Apathy was first?! I thought… You have no idea what I went through over Deceit! What possible reason could you have for lying to all of us about something so important?!”

Past Logan looked thoroughly cold and impassive. “I had my reasons.”

Logan froze the memory, looking around the room expectantly. “Do you see?”

Virgil looked back at him like he had lost his mind. “Uh… What are we looking for?”

Maybe they would need a bit more of a tutorial… “Ok, let’s start here. Do you see the textured light surrounding the very edge of the memory version of me?” Virgil would be able to pick this up quickly, he was certain. He just wasn’t feeling confident enough to attempt it without directions.

“Yeah, I guess. What about it?”

Logan pursed his lips. “Do you remember how you were feeling during this moment?”

“Vividly.”

Logan didn’t doubt that… His aura was very strong. “Focus on your aura in this memory. What does it feel like?”

“Like a lot of anxiety and some lingering despair with a sense of betrayal. I hate it…” Virgil looked as uncomfortable as he sounded, and Logan empathized with the discomfort. It could be unpleasant to suddenly revisit such strong emotions—especially with an audience.

“Now try mine.”  
“Well I know you were anxious at the very beginning… That much was obvious.”

“What about right where I froze it? What does it tell you?”

“I just sense apathy… Oh.”

And with that, the room burst into chaos.


	4. Well, I Know a Thing About Contrition Because I Got Enough to Spare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "House of Wolves" by My Chemical Romance.
> 
> I decided to separate the longer memories from what's happening in the present by putting the memories in italics.

Patton had already been pretty emotional and overwhelmed, but all the turmoil around him right now was making it ten times worse. He almost wondered if Turmoil was actually there, but figured he’d be able to tell the difference… hopefully. Still, all the arguing that was going on kept reminding him of what it had been like in the Mindscape recently, and that wasn’t particularly pleasant to think about. Suddenly, the memory surrounding them became blurry. Everyone froze, staring at the morphing images as they transformed.

 

***

 

Virgil stared in growing alarm as the memory became clearer. It was like a collage of overwhelmed-Patton ranging from a slightly-off facial expression in a conversation to full-blown sobbing alone in his room. It made Virgil feel sick. “What’s going on?” His legs felt weak, and he knew if he had been standing, he probably would’ve collapsed.

 

Logan was awkwardly rolling towards Past Patton—probably to study his aura, or whatever—but Patton was slowly backing away as if trying to escape. “I… I don’t know.”

 

“It appears to me that Patton has hijacked my memory projection due to the overwhelming state of his emotions.”

 

Virgil’s stomach dropped through the floor. “Um, we can do that?” He tried desperately not to think of panicking, or Despair, or Deceit. Maybe his confusion would at least stop him from taking it over immediately. He had too many things that he desperately didn’t want to project at the moment.

 

Logan suddenly gasped. “Too much, V.”

 

Crap. He had kept a small stream of anxiety flowing towards Logan, thinking it would be easier than constantly monitoring him for signs of Apathy, but he had gotten so overwhelmed that what should have been a drizzle became more like a flash flood. “Sorry, sorry, do you need me to-”

 

“Absolutely not, just give me a second to catch my breath. Are you alright?”

 

Virgil felt himself smile at Logan being more himself and less like- And that’s all it took. Suddenly all his disjointed worries paled in comparison to how desperately he didn’t want this particular memory to be on display for all to see. So, of course, that’s exactly what happened.

 

_Virgil stepped into Apathy’s room, violently shaking. “I know I said I’d never come back for this, but…”_

_“The video was too stressful?” Apathy’s facial expression morphed from bored to merely unimpressed._

_“It wasn’t that bad, I just…” Virgil looked up and shook his head as if to clear it. “I don’t need to explain myself to you. Just do it.”_

_“At least with us you never had to pretend to be someone you’re not.”_

_“Shut up! You could never understand, just- Just get it over with!”_

_Apathy shrugged. “If you won’t explain why you’re here, maybe I just don’t feel like helping today.”_

_“This is exactly why I left! You’re all so manipulative, and-” Virgil had to stop to gasp for air, looking at Apathy desperately. “I just need to be tempered. I can’t help them like this, like-”_

_“Like yourself?”_

_Virgil’s glare only relaxed once Apathy took his hand._

***

 

Logan was shaking with a mixture of anxiety and anger. “When was that?”

 

Virgil shook his head, tears in his eyes, and Logan thought he saw Roman grab his hand, but he couldn’t be sure.

 

Logan carefully took control of the memory projection without letting it morph into a different memory, and slowly started rewinding it until he saw them all gathered in Thomas’s living room.

 

_Virgil looked around, looking a little uncomfortable. “Well… Then I’m not picking a house. I don’t need to belong to a specific Hogwarts House in order to belong with you guys.”_

Logan froze the memory in shock.

 

Thomas looked around in clear confusion. “I don’t understand… This was like a year and a half ago… Why is this memory coming up now?”

 

***

 

Virgil felt himself again unable to stop himself from projecting the answer for the whole room to see. He really hated this room. He forced himself not to make eye contact with anyone or look at the memory collage of times he’d gone to Apathy over the last 16 months.

 

“But… Virgil, kiddo… Why?”

 

And that was the last straw. He could not deal with this right now. He desperately tried to sink out to his room, but Roman was still holding his hand and easily kept him from escaping. “No no no, let me go, please, I can’t-”

 

“Virgil, rate this one for me.” Logan’s voice cut through his panic easily, and he wondered again how he had dealt with this without Logan for so long. Oh, right… He just went to Apathy more.

 

“8, no- maybe 9, I don’t know, I can’t-”

 

“Virgil, we are not angry with you. We just want to help you. We just want to understand.”

 

***

 

Roman was angry. He didn’t want to be, but he couldn’t help it. Everyone was keeping secrets from him, and he hated it.

 

He was pulled from his thoughts when Virgil suddenly pulled his hand away to cradle his own head in his hands. This had been happening a lot lately… Was Virgil getting sick again?

 

 Logan’s eyes flickered to him briefly before going back to Virgil. Had he been reading him? “To answer your subconscious question, yes, I’ve been reading you. I had hoped you would have more information on Virgil considering the increased amount of time the two of you have been spending together. As far as your other subconscious question, I do not believe Virgil is ill. It is far more likely to be a side effect of repeated partial corruption by his opposite.” Logan’s probing gaze suddenly flew back to Virgil as if the younger side were screaming for him. Maybe he was… “Virgil, I need you to breathe—as slowly as you can. I give you my express permission to revisit this topic at a later time. You do not need to deal with this right now. We are not angry with you.”

Virgil immediately turned to Roman, and Roman tried desperately not to feel anxious that Virgil would realize he’s angry, but that has never worked out very well in the past…

 

Virgil backed away as if burned, almost tripping over the abandoned wheeling chair, and walked right into a smirking Apathy.

 

Apathy made direct eye contact with each of them in turn. “What did I miss?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I extended the fic...


	5. Unapologetic Apathy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Sleep" by My Chemical Romance. I've been saving this lyric for just the right moment :)

Patton was furious. His friends- no, his family were just starting to be open and talk through everything that had been keeping them apart, and Apathy had the nerve to interrupt their healing process to… Well, whatever he was here to do. “You can’t be here.”

 

Apathy’s gaze turned back to him in mild surprise at his tone. “Really? Why is that?”

 

Patton gritted his teeth, but Roman was already answering. “I will not allow you to hurt them! Leave us all alone!”

 

Apathy shrugged, turning back to Logan. “I could… But I’d rather do this.”

 

***

 

Virgil was at Logan’s side as soon as Apathy grabbed the Logical Side’s hand and started tempering the corruption as much as he could, but his control was sorely lacking due to his ongoing panic attack. Suddenly, Logan looked at him with unbridled terror in his eyes.

 

Before he could ask what was wrong, Apathy cut him off. “I thought you might do that.”

 

And Logan was gasping for air, immediately launched into a 10/10 panic attack—for the first time, as far as Virgil knew.

 

“What are you doing?!” Virgil pulled back, trying to figure out if he had somehow attacked Logan that much. Even when he had been sick on their first day of training, his accidental attack had only brought Logan to 8.

 

***

 

Logan couldn’t speak through the hyperventilation, but he knew Virgil would be worried that he had done this, so he forced himself to take control of the room.

 

_“I learned a new trick by the way. I thought I could practice on you for awhile. You know how Virgil can take away anxiety and Despair can take away feelings of desperation? I wonder what happens if you give a side less apathy? Must be a good thing, right?” Apathy was the definition of calm, cool, and collected, but Logan’s eyes grew wide in anticipation of increased panic._

Before Virgil could offer, Logan choked out, “Don’t take it,” knowing Virgil would understand, or, at the very least, read his anxiety to figure it out.

 

“But… I need to help you, I can’t-” Tears were rolling down Virgil’s face, and Logan felt physical chest pain in response. This power of Apathy’s made him painfully empathetic, and his emotions would just get completely out of control.

 

Logan looked at Thomas, and the latter seemed to snap out of his anxiety-induced decision paralysis. After all, this is exactly why they brought him… “Apathy, you need to-”

 

But Apathy simply reached his free hand out to Thomas, and the panic of his other sides immediately overwhelmed him as well. Great.

 

***

 

Patton looked around desperately. What were they going to do? All the people who would normally help in this kind of situation were the ones panicking, and Roman looked like he felt just as helpless. He couldn’t use his power to temper all the chaos without Virgil, and even his dad voice wasn’t as strong against Apathy. The dad voice conveys control through desire to avoid upsetting him in his dad-like roll, but Apathy feels little to no guilt. Besides, the dad voice would make things a whole lot harder for everyone else…

 

“I could help.” Turmoil was suddenly standing next to Patton, making the latter jump.

 

“What are you doing here?!” Roman looked furious, but also a little overwhelmed. Patton reminded himself that he couldn’t only worry about the ones who obviously needed help. Roman needed him right now too.

 

“I sensed things getting a little chaotic, and that’s supposed to be my job. What’s going on?”

 

Patton took a calming breath. “Leave.” He carefully avoided slipping into his dad voice for Virgil’s sake, but he desperately wanted to use it against Turmoil and any other side who had the nerve to show up like this and-

 

Surprisingly, Turmoil matched Patton’s deep breath. “Why? Why won’t you let me help?”

 

That was an unusually rational and passive response… “Like you said, things are already chaotic. Your influence would only exaggerate that.”

 

“Kind of like Apathy’s influence making everyone less emotional?”

 

Well, he had him there… “Wait… Are you offering to take their emotional turmoil?”

 

“I’m willing to try… I’m not always the bad guy.” The last part was barely a mutter, and it reminded Patton of Virgil before they had accepted him.

 

Patton pursed his lips. There would have to be some kind of safety-net for him to actually consider this… Turmoil could make things a million times worse if he wanted to, and Patton knew for a fact that he normally wanted to. “Give me a reason to trust you after all the times you’ve hurt us.”

 

Turmoil wouldn’t meet Patton’s eyes. “I guess I just thought that, if Despair could get a second chance, maybe you’d care enough about me to-” He took a deep breath. “I guess I don’t have a reason you can trust me. I just thought that’s what you did.”

 

That was like a punch in the gut… Patton wasn’t sure how to respond, but, thankfully, he didn’t have to.

 

“Turmoil, what are you doing?” Apathy demanded with more heat that Patton had ever heard in his voice before.

 

“I’m done, Apathy! I don’t want to do this anymore!”

 

“That wasn’t the deal, and I’m not done. They deserve this. Logan deserves this.” He turned back to the Logical Side and did something that made Logan whimper.

 

Patton swiped away a few stray tears at the sound and turned back to Turmoil, deciding the only way he could be sure is through the dad voice. “You will not hurt them. You will take as much of their emotional chaos as you can without harming them or yourself in any way. Do you understand?”

 

Turmoil shivered visibly at the amount of sheer control behind the words. Patton wasn’t holding back and had managed to channel all of it towards Turmoil so as not to negatively affect the other sides. Turmoil finally managed a nod before stepping towards Thomas.

 

***

 

Roman had a hand on the hilt of his sword as Turmoil approached Thomas. He knew Patton was in control here—so much so that he was panting now and probably wouldn’t be able to use the dad voice for awhile—but he still didn’t trust Turmoil to so much as walk without attacking someone. He watched intently as Turmoil took Thomas’s hand, and Thomas started to relax.

 

Something clicked in Thomas’s eyes, and he turned immediately to Apathy. “Apathy, go to your room! Now!”

 

“No! I’m not done!” Apathy looked almost feral with desperation, and Roman pulled his sword about two inched out of the scabbard before he noticed Turmoil reach towards Apathy. Apathy screamed, and Logan and Virgil simultaneously collapsed with their hands over their ears.

 

Thomas looked like he was about to say the command again when Apathy finally sunk out.

 

Turmoil, breathing heavily, turned towards Logan. When he started making his way from Logan to Virgil, however, he stumbled, Patton barely catching him.

 

Logan looked like he was studying Turmoil carefully before turning to Patton. “He can’t take anymore. He already probably took too much. Virgil, do you think you can handle this if we go to your room?”

 

***

 

Virgil took a deep breath to tell Logan that he didn’t seem to have a choice when he noticed the doorway. The open doorway.

 

Deceit was standing in his costume, arms crossed, eyes flashing dangerously as he met Virgil’s gaze. “If I cared what any of you thought, I’d be feeling a little left out,” he growled.

 

Patton was trying to wake a now unconscious Turmoil, Roman drew his sword, Virgil started crawling slowly backwards towards the far corner, and Thomas looked around desperately for someone to tell him what to do. Logan swore.


	6. We Don’t Deal with Outsiders Very Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long. I've had a lot going on, and I had some plot issue to figure out, and then I was feeling super uninspired for awhile... Gah. I'm back though :) Hope you like it!
> 
> Chapter title is from "Heathens" by Twenty One Pilots

Roman was charging before anyone could react, sword out and pointed steadily at his Dark Side, but Virgil  leapt to stop him. "Let me go! I'll protect you!" Roman said, desperately trying to shake off Virgil's hold on him.

"Please don't leave," Virgil whispered, his voice still somehow cracking.

Roman turned back, trying to rein in his fury, but Virgil recoiled in fear.  Clearly he hadn't reined it in  very well... He took a deep breath before returning sword to scabbard and lowering his voice for Virgil's ears alone. "I'm right here. I won't let him do anything."

Virgil squeezed his hand tighter and closed his eyes--probably to focus on his own breathing.

***

Now that this  clearly wasn't about to be all-out battle, Logan wanted answers. "What are you doing here, Deceit?"

Deceit took a seemingly casual step  forward , and Logan noticed Roman step in front of Virgil out of the corner of his eye. It would seem the creative side had gone back to being protective, then. He brought his attention back to Deceit as the side in question  finally began to respond to his question. "Merely to show off my Halloween costume," he paused to gesture to himself dramatically, "and to see what had everyone so riled up."

Without bothering to read him for any potential truth in the statement, Logan retaliated, "it doesn't concern you, and I think we would all prefer it if you would-"

"He's telling the truth," Patton muttered, seemingly in shock.

Everyone in the room froze and stared at Patton like he had lost his mind. Roman  finally managed, "you can't possibly be serious...?"

"It might not be the whole truth, but it's not an outright lie." At the certainty in Patton's voice, Logan  finally did read Deceit and found that he did seem to be telling at least part of the truth.  However , he was not remotely satisfied with this answer.

"Are we meant to believe that-"

"Logan." Thomas looked meaningfully from Logan to Virgil and back again before bracing himself on the wall he was leaning heavily against. He was either getting overly anxious, overly exhausted from being in the  Mindscape for so long, or both.

Logan looked back to Virgil and, after a quick assessment of his  apparent symptoms in light of current circumstances, came to his conclusion. "If you feel the need to  remain here for any reason, Deceit, I and perhaps Patton will be available.  However , Thomas must return to his living room if not to his bed, and Roman and Virgil to somewhere quiet and less emotionally demanding. Virgil, if you need me, you need  only ask." Before anyone could leave, he thought of something else he'd rather not leave unsaid. "And...  If any of you should see any signs that I am acting..." He found the words more difficult to say  than he had anticipated.

Thankfully, Patton had followed his meaning, and confirmed, "we'll be careful, Logan. I promise." Turning to Deceit, he added, "I need to take Turmoil to his room, but I can come back if-"

"No need," Deceit said with more confidence than Logan thought he  likely felt. "That is all I came for."

***

"Where are we?" Virgil asked between  carefully measured breaths. He had been in no state to sink out by himself, so Roman had done so for both of them.

"Do you like it? I think the  Mindscape realized we could use a neutral hang out area like this, but I've been decorating it. It has a full theater-style TV with surround sound, the chairs are the  reclinable kind, and the door even locks!"

Virgil took a moment to marvel at the decor before responding. The color scheme was black and gold to include some of each of their aesthetics, and something about the room felt warm and... safe. "It's uh... Yeah, I mean... Wow."

Roman grinned before turning  seriously to Virgil. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Focusing on not letting his breathing falter, Virgil hesitated. "Which part?"

"Any of it, I suppose... Logan, Apathy, Deceit..."

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut before he could stop himself but managed to keep his breathing even. "I don't know...  Maybe if you ask specific questions?" Hopefully Roman would steer clear of the more overwhelming questions...

"What happened between you and Deceit?"

And... no such luck. If Virgil's eyes hadn't already been closed, he might've  accidentally given the creative side a panic attack. He felt cornered and defensive and-

"It's  ok if you don't want to talk about it. I was  just curious. You  usually seem pretty scared when he's around, but you stopped me from going after him when he locked us in your room and I  just keep thinking... You were scared of Despair too, and you didn't want me to hurt him either... Is it like that?"

Virgil felt physically sick at the comparison. He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter to make sure he wouldn't lash out and shook his head. He didn't trust his voice anymore.

"Then...?"

Virgil took a deep breath, counted to 10, and then pictured Patton and Roman holding puppies before he trusted himself to not use his scary voice. "You don't need to worry about it. It's not a big deal. Wanna watch a movie or something?" As much as he hated to lie-- especially considering the topic--he couldn't talk about his history with Deceit right now.  Maybe he would tell Roman someday, but today was not that day. Still, he could've  just said that... Why did he feel like he had to lie?

***

Roman was relieved to hear that nothing horrible had happened to Virgil because of his dark side--other than what he already knew about, of course. He had been feeling a gnawing sense of guilt about it for  awhile now, but  clearly he had nothing to worry about. Nothing had happened, Virgil was fine, and now he got to pick a movie for them to watch together. Everything was  finally calming down and going back to normal.


	7. I Disguise, and I Will Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently my brain is making up for the long lack of ideas/inspiration by immediately finishing another chapter... I hope this helps make up for the long delay before chapter 6 :)
> 
> Chapter title is from "Fall Away" by Twenty One Pilots. This one was very useful for addressing some things in a Deceit-heavy video...

"We need to discuss what  just happened." Logan had gathered the other light sides to the commons  immediately after they finished filming. He needed to decompress and learn in greater detail why Deceit had been allowed to stay for so long. He practically ran the video.

"Good because we need to make sure nothing like that ever happens again." Virgil had his hood up and appeared to Logan as though he might be shaking. This video had certainly been hard on him as well as Patton--not to mention Thomas...

"What was so horrible about it?" And then there was Roman. He hadn't seemed  particularly bothered by any of the events today.  If Logan had to put a word to Roman's  overall reaction to filming the video it would have to be... entertained.

"Are you serious?! How could you say that?! He was  just there the whole time, and you think we should just be fine with that?" Virgil was glaring as though Roman had kicked his puppy.

" Clearly we have some  things to resolve. Patton? Would you like to join us as well?" Logan would of course prefer that Patton be there, but he was also  painfully aware of how overwhelmed Morality was right now and wanted to give him a chance to back out.

"Thanks kiddo, but I think it'll help me to be there. Besides, I wouldn't want to miss out on any family bonding." The words themselves didn't raise any alarms, but the tone was notably more mellow than Patton's average hyper-optimism. Still, Logan was grateful they would not have to do this without him.

"Virgil, are you willing to do this in the memory room? I believe it will  assist the process greatly."

Virgil  immediately tensed, and Logan could sense his nerves.  However , he  simply muttered, "whatever you say, Teach."

***

"Are we not bringing Thomas?" Virgil knew he had already agreed to this, but the idea of being in an unlockable room that already makes him a little anxious without Thomas there to send away any unwanted guests made him rethink his willingness.

"He's exhausted, kiddo. This video was emotionally draining for him." Patton looked ashamed, but Virgil couldn't help but feel it wasn't entirely the heart's fault. His anxiety over Deceit had been at least half the problem.

"Neither of you are to blame. You were  simply fulfilling your roles."

Virgil sighed. "What's the plan, L?"

"My first question is certainly why did  all of you allow Deceit to  remain for the entire length of the video?"

"That's not on me. I did everything I could to make Thomas dismiss him, but  Princey convinced him that it might be worth hearing him out."

"And, it turns out I was right."

"What?!"

"Deceit had been right all along, so I was right to tell Thomas he should stay."

"That's... That 's not how that works!"

"Alright, I would like to watch the exchange in question before this goes any further. Unlike the rest of you, I had not been present at the time to contribute my perspective."

_"_ _Ok_ _, Thomas, even if he can tell the truth, that doesn't mean he can be trusted..."_

_"You're right."_

_"Virgil's_ _very_ _right. You can't trust me. It's not like I'm trying to look out for you or anything..."_

_"Yeah, when I think of trustworthiness, I_ _immediately_ _think of someone who consistently disguises themselves like a member of Team Rocket..."_

_"Oh, and no one has ever done any good with dishonesty at someone else's expense..._ _It was_ _pretty despicable when the Allies mislead the Germans about the date and location of their D-Day landings... an operation which led to the eventual liberation of Europe from Nazi control..."_

_"Alright, he can stay."_

_Roman laughed dramatically. "Wait,_ _seriously_ _?"_

Logan paused the memory. "Virgil, I thought you said Roman convinced Thomas to let Deceit stay?"

"Well, not initially, but he stopped me from changing his mind.  Just keep watching."

_"Sounds like he's against Nazis, so... why not hear him out, you know?"_

_"That cannot be where the bar is."_

_"Well the bar for skipping an important opportunity should be higher than a... social engagement."_

_"Come on, a wedding is more than_ _just_ _a social engagement," Patton argued._

_"He knows that," Virgil added._

_"Do you want the part in the movie or not?"_

_Everyone stood stunned at Deceit's blunt question._

_"I mean..." Thomas started._

_"Do you want the part or not?!"_

_"Of course he does," Roman admitted._

***

Logan continued to watch as Patton and Deceit argued morals until something caught his eye.

_"I mean..._ _Things_ _come up, you know? If Thomas's Aunt Patty were in the hospital, then he would get a free pass to miss the wedding. Why should it be any different when something good comes up?"_

_"Are you_ _seriously_ _siding with Deceit?" Virgil asked, sounding betrayed and astonished._

_"Are you_ _seriously_ _so closed-minded to think that everything said by someone you don't like is automatically untrue? This is a big deal for Thomas..."_

"Ah. I think I see what you mean now, Virgil."

"Excuse me? Why are you siding with him?"

Logan paused, stunned. Roman and Virgil were still friends, right? How could Roman be so flippant about having exposed Virgil to his abuser? "Surely you are aware of-"

"Logan." Virgil made direct eye contact--something he hadn't done much all day--until Logan read a single word that he was thinking at him over and over. 'Don't.' In response to his questioning look, Virgil added subconsciously, ' just leave that out of it.'

Now entirely unsure how to handle this particular argument, Logan hesitated.

"See? It's not my fault, is it?"

"Having already heard Thomas give him permission to stay, knowing Deceit would support your desired outcome, and not knowing..." Logan glanced to Virgil and sighed. "I do understand why you held this position." He held up his hand to stop Roman from gloating. " However , suffice it to say that you do not have all relevant data to make the decision I or Virgil would have made in your place. I still do not agree with you. I merely understand what caused you to behave that way."

***

What on earth was Logan talking about? He had wanted something, Deceit wanted the same thing, and Thomas had already said he could stay. What other data could he be missing? Sure, Deceit had done some... unsavory  things in the past, but Virgil himself had all but told him to leave the past alone and didn't want him to treat Deceit like an enemy--even after he had directly attacked them by locking them in two consecutive rooms. What should he have done in this situation? Let Patton and Virgil win?

Logan looked from Roman to Virgil and back again before pursing his lips.

It was Patton who  finally spoke up. "Virgil, kiddo, if you want him to understand-"

"Don't, Pat.  Just don't."

"What? What's going on? Is there another secret that everyone knows but me?"

Virgil froze looking guiltily at Roman.

"It's not that simple, Roman. Give it time." Logan didn't even look at Roman as he said this, focused instead entirely on Virgil as if Roman wasn't even worth his full attention.

"Why can't you  just tell me what's going on? Apparently my not knowing made me make unforgivable decisions, so wouldn't it be better for me to know? Or do you not trust me enough to-"

"Roman! That's enough." Patton sounded stern, but hadn't  quite used his dad voice.

***

Virgil was trying desperately to focus on his silent conversation with Logan instead of what he was putting Roman through. 'I  just can't, L. I'm not ready.'

Logan sighed, turning finally back to Roman. "For now, let's work with the information you did have. You are aware of the events after Crofters the Musical as well as Virgil's response to Deceit when he showed up in this very room, so-"

"After the first one, Virgil told me not to go after him, and after the second, he told me  things between him and Deceit weren't a big deal and that I shouldn't worry. Look, I'll show you."

_"What happened between you and Deceit? It's_ _ok_ _if you don't want to talk about it. I was_ _just_ _curious. You_ _usually_ _seem pretty scared when he's around, but you stopped me from going after him when he locked us in your room and I_ _just_ _keep thinking... You were scared of Despair too, and you didn't want me to hurt him either... Is it like that?"_

_Virgil shook his head._

_"Then...?"_

_Virgil took a deep breath and waited_ _several_ _seconds before answering. "You don't need to worry about it. It's not a big deal. Wanna watch a movie or something?"_

Virgil felt Logan and Patton both staring at him, but he couldn't meet either gaze. 

Logan  finally broke the tense silence. "Roman, are you able to read Virgil's aura in this memory?"

Virgil looked at Logan in horror. Was he  really going to do this to him?

"I don't know... I guess he seems anxious, but he had  just been panicking. That's why we left in the first place, remember?"

"Indeed. I am curious,  however , why you decided to ask him such a... heavy question when you knew he was already anxious."

Roman narrowed his eyes. "What are you trying to say?"

"Merely that perhaps Virgil had been ill-equipped to handle that question at the time."

Roman paused, and Virgil saw the second it clicked. "Are you saying Virgil lied? About Deceit? Don't get me wrong, that's a little ironic, but why would he do that? We don't lie to each other anymore, right Virge?"

Virgil couldn't take it anymore. "Seriously?! Not five minutes before that memory, I was begging you not to walk two feet away from me because I was so terrified that he was even in the room, and you just immediately buy it when I say nothing happened?"

Roman looked like he had  just slapped him in the face. "But... you said-"

"Of course I couldn't deal with that question! It would be bad enough  normally , but I was still dealing with a  very long panic attack, and he had  just been in the same room with me! I almost lashed out at you  just for asking!"

"But... It sounds like you told everyone else..."

"It wasn't their dark side! How was I supposed to tell you that your dark side ruined my life?!"


	8. I Don’t Believe a Word You Say, but I Can’t Stop Listening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Where Did the Party Go" by Fall Out Boy

Logan took a step forward to redirect Virgil's attention just as Roman took a shaky step back. "Virgil, eyes here. You're not actually mad at Roman. Talk to me."

"He should've known, L! It was too much, and it wasn't fair, and he-"

"Virgil, you did not tell him. It was perhaps possible for him to figure part of it out on his own, but that's a lot to ask." Logan glanced at Roman, noting that he seemed to be recovering some from Virgil's mild attack. However, he was also starting to look angry himself.

"How could you expect me to just know not to ask you certain questions or that you had lied in your answer?! I'm not a mind reader, Virge! And am I really so pathetic that you couldn't tell me something that might make me upset? Did you really think I couldn't handle it? And how is this any better?! Why is it so hard to believe that I'm strong enough to deal with this?!"

Virgil looked like he wanted to retaliate until the last question, then immediately backed away from the verbal attack while pulling his hood over his head. Logan read him to make sure he was ok and realized too late what was going on.

***

Virgil couldn't handle this. Did he not remember? He can't say that--especially in this context. That one line was all it took to make Virgil see Roman as a threat.

"Roman, take a step back." Logan. Logan was here. Logan was safe.

"I didn't do anything!"

"Roman, please stop yelling." Patton. Patton was safe too. Patton would protect him.

"I will when he answers me!"

_Virgil was hyperventilating, pounding on the door of his room. "Let me out! Please, you can't do this!"_

_"I didn't. You did this to yourself, Anxiety." Deceit's voice was sickly sweet from outside the door. "If you can't calm down, you can't do your job. Learn to control yourself. I truly am here to help you, Anxiety. Why is that so hard to believe?"_

_Virgil collapsed against the door._

Logan was trying to help Virgil calm down while Patton and Roman stared at the shifting memory in horror.

_Virgil was visibly shaking as Deceit towered over him. They were in a different room now, maybe Deceit's._

_"This is Apathy's job. He's your opposite for a reason, Anxiety. Why is it so hard to believe that he can help you?"_

_"But how can I do my job if-"_

_" Exactly! How can you do your job if you can't even breathe? Do you want Thomas to feel like this?"_

_Virgil looked down in shame before accepting Apathy's hand._

"Virgil, you don't need to do this right now. Do you want to leave?" Logan reached out his hand to help him sink out only for Virgil to flinch back several inches as the memory shifted again.

_Virgil met Deceit's gaze with anger in his eyes. "No! I won't do it!"_

_Deceit's glare became murderous. "What did you just say?"_

_No longer meeting his eyes, Virgil muttered, "I won't hurt them."_

_"Are you refusing to do your job, Anxiety? What exactly is the point of you if you don't make them anxious?"_

_"I could help them..." It was barely a whisper._

_"Of course, and I could teach them how to be good, upstanding, honest citizens while Apathy helps process emotional healing. Stop lying to yourself! Why is it so hard to believe that you're no more than anxiety? What else could you possibly do? Look at you! You can barely handle your own anxiety, never mind anyone else's. Give it up. This is who you are."_

***

Logan finally took control of the memory room by sheer force of will. "Virgil, what do you need?"

Virgil shook his head before burying his face in his hands and shaking it again, more forcefully.

"Virgil, kiddo, is it ok if I touch you?" Patton had taken a careful step forward while Roman remained frozen, staring at the paused memory.

Virgil cautiously nodded at Patton's question and barely flinched when the father figure wrapped his arms around him.

Logan shifted his attention to Roman. "I take it you understand what you just saw?"

***

Of course he understood. Wasn't it obvious? His dark side had tortured Virgil for months if not years, and he had done nothing to protect his friend ever since.

"It's not that simple, Roman. You didn't know the extent of it."

Maybe not, but he should have. He should've figured it out. He should've been more careful, at least. More aware of Virgil's response to Deceit. And how could he say something he knew Deceit had used against him? He knew that. Virgil had told him.

"None of that can be changed now. Now you know. What are you going to do about it?"

Roman finally met Logan's eyes before turning to Virgil. He hesitated before turning back to Logan. He didn't want to make it worse.

Logan pursed his lips. "I'll admit, that is a fair concern. However, you could also have a very positive affect. He values your opinion of him, and it would certainly help him to know you are no longer angry."

Roman took a deep breath. "Virgil? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Make him leave," Virgil whispered without making eye contact.

"Me?" Roman asked Logan, feeling hurt.

Logan shook his head, shifting closer so only Roman would hear. "He occasionally hallucinates Deceit's presence, and seeing him in the memories likely triggered such an episode."

Roman took another steadying breath before turning back to Virgil confidently. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I would love to go watch a movie--especially since no one can follow us through that locked door, right V?"

Logan nodded his approval right as Patton jumped in with, "Definitely!"

Virgil looked up,  finally met Roman's eyes, squeezed Patton's hand, and nodded.


	9. Is That Who I Truly Am?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Major spoilers for the new video. You've been warned.
> 
> Chapter title is from "Fairly Local" by Twenty One Pilots

"Can we discuss the figurative white bear in the room?"

Virgil looked at Logan and sighed. "Do we have to? We just spent over half an hour discussing it, and, like Thomas, I'm exhausted."

"I'm well-aware. However, there are a few things that remain unresolved, and Thomas resting will revitalize us as well. Besides, I'd rather not burden Thomas with this particular discussion at the moment."

"What's so important that it can't wait until morning, kiddo? Virgil's right, we should all probably get some much-needed rest."

"How did Remus escape?"

Everyone stared at Logan in confusion followed by unadulterated shock. Everyone, that is, except Roman. "Escape? Escape what?"

Virgil and Patton looked away with identical expressions of guilt, but Logan simply sighed, answering, "Perhaps we should take this to the memory room?"

"No!" Virgil took a deep breath to regain control of his scary voice before continuing, "No, please just explain. I can't go there, not... Not right now."

Logan did not need to read Virgil to know his reasoning, and refrained from doing so in an attempt to maintain the younger side's privacy. After all, if he had wanted anyone to know, he would have no qualms about visiting the memory room. "Any objections?"

"I agree. The Commons seem like a better plan," Patton added hesitantly.

Interesting. Was Patton hiding some memories of his own, or simply protecting Virgil's privacy as well? Better to save that question for another time. "Roman?"

"I don't care how you tell me, just tell me."

"Then perhaps what I've begun to call the viewing room is a better choice since we are able to lock its doors?"

Virgil sighed in clear relief.

***

Virgil was having trouble shaking memories of his history with Remus even without a room designed to strengthen them, so he was beyond grateful that he hadn't been outnumbered. He was also still wrestling with why his version of protecting Princey almost always included lying and/or hiding things from him. Maybe he wasn't as far removed from his time as a Dark Side as he thought.

Logan clapped his hands together, making Virgil jump, before beginning, "The doors have been locked. Is there anything else we must address before we commence?"

"Just say 'start', L, it's easier..." Virgil muttered.

"If you knew what I meant, then I conveyed my meaning adequately. Is that not the function of language?"

"Ok, I think you had something to tell me about Remus?" Roman cut them off before they could argue linguistics for hours again.

"Indeed. There is a reason we have not seen him until now."

Virgil squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. "Do you have to go into the details?"

Logan pursed his lips. "I concede that there are portions of this tale that are irrelevant for the time being."

Virgil shot Logan a subconscious 'thanks' before he could continue, getting a soft smile in return.

"After Thomas separated his creativity into Roman and Remus, he locked his 'forbidden' creativity in the Subconscious."

"Thomas didn't even know who Remus was, and you're telling me he locked him away? How does that make any sense?"

"Patience, Roman. I was getting to that. Thomas was still very young, and likely did not even realize he was doing this. He simply embraced thoughts he enjoyed and repressed those he did not."

Virgil was shaking now, hoping no one but Logan noticed. Logan definitely noticed, though, if the number of times he glanced at Virgil to check on him were anything to go by.

"Wait... So Remus is my Dark Side? Why do I have 2? And I did have the first one after all, it just wasn't Deceit?!"

"No, kiddo-"

"Pat..." Virgil interrupted desperately.

"Roman, sides separated by Thomas are not the same as sides that separated over time. He is in a way your Dark Side, but he is also closer to his own entity than Deceit it--almost like a brother. For one thing, you separated in childhood, so he has had more time to develop apart from-"

Roman stopped listening to this monologue, instead turning to Virgil. "Are hiding something from me? Again?! What will it take for you to trust me?!"

***

Patton immediately shifted so that he was facing Virgil while blocking Virgil's view of Roman. "There's no rush, V. In your own time."

Virgil nodded rapidly before pulling his hood up to cover nearly his whole face, giving Patton the opportunity to turn back to Roman, but Logan had beat him to it.

"Whether and when he shares this with you is not a testament to the strength of his trust, nor your relationship as a whole."

"Then why can't he tell me?" At least he wasn't yelling anymore...

"He's not ready yet, kiddo. Think of it like coming out. You might not tell people for a long time--even people you're really close to--because you're just not ready. And if someone outed you when you weren't ready..." Patton let Roman fill in his own blanks.

"The truth is, Roman, he may never have the relationship with anyone that you think you have with him. He may never be the person who keeps no secrets and tells no lies. You need only decide if you're ok with that."

"Have I not grown at all?"

Patton spun around so fast that he thought he might've pulled something. "What makes you say that, Virgil? You've grown so much!"

"I agree. The facts are very clear on this point. Your behavior has changed fairly drastically from only a few years ago. You've come a long way."

"What if I'm just good at faking it?"

"Virgil, listen to me. He's my Dark Side, so I should know... You're nothing like that snake. Any lingering effects you see or think you see are just from proximity. You were around him for a long time, Virge. Just like I still sometimes show similarities with him."

"I wasn't with him as long as you think."

"Virgil-"

"Kiddo-"

"No, it's fine. It's my choice. I don't want to be like him, and hiding is like him." Virgil stopped to take a deep breath, looking Roman right in the eyes. "I was with Remus longer."


	10. I'm Unashamed, I'm Gonna Show My Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance

"What do you mean with Remus?" Roman was at his wit's end over being  lied to, but he could also tell how hard this was for Virgil, so he was careful to keep his tone calm.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you..." Virgil sighed, adjusting his fringe out of his eyes. "We might as well  just go to the memory room now. I'm telling you guys anyway, and that's probably easier."

Before anyone could object, Roman sunk them all to the memory room. "Now can you tell me?"

"Yeah,  just ... Logan, can you take over if I..."

"If at any point the memories seem unmanageable or excessive, I will take control. You have my word."

Virgil took a deep breath. " Ok . Here goes nothing..."

_Virgil woke up and looked around in confusion. "Where... where am I?"_

_"The Subconscious, of course!" Remus answered,_ _suddenly_ _right in Virgil's face. "Look, I made an effigy of Roman out of used toilet paper!"_

_Virgil backed away instantly in fear and disgust. "...what?"_

_Remus proceeded to burn down the effigy in front of Virgil._

"Wait, when was this? You look so young!" Roman could swear that's what they looked like around...

"Middle School. We were 13 or something."

"But that was forever ago, so surely you've spent more time with Deceit since then..." Roman looked around for support but saw  only sadness in the eyes of the other sides. "What? What am I missing?"

" Just ... Let me show you."

_"And that's how to create a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower entirely out of human bones!"_

_A voice, seemingly from nowhere, whispered, "Don't say anything._ _Just_ _follow my voice to the edge of the room. I'm rescuing you."_

_Virgil,_ _completely_ _ignoring Remus, walked casually towards the wall until he found himself on the other side. Face to face with Deceit. "Who are you?"_

_"In good time. For now, think of me as the one who let you out of that prison."_

"I don't understand... You look so different. When was this?" Roman couldn't even process the fact that Deceit had let him out. He'd deal with that later.

Virgil squirmed uncomfortably. "Right after 'My True Identity!'..."

Roman's processing  just about ground to a halt. "...what?"

"Oh, kiddo..." Patton looked like  it was taking significant will power not to hug Virgil.

"Are you telling me you were in the Subconscious with him for 14 years?" Logan's voice held tight control, but he looked furious.

Roman leaned heavily on the wall for support. "And Deceit held this over you to manipulate you... But... He was days old when this happened."

Virgil looked like he had been stabbed. "What did you  just say?"

Roman looked  nervously to Logan in case this was a bad idea, but ended up mumbling, "He split with me after that same video..."

"He said... I mean  obviously he lied, but I thought... He told me he was 5."

"Well, maybe it was 5 days, I'm not sure-"

"Not days. Years. That's why I thought he knew more about  all of you than I did, but if he was  just a  few days old, I had spent more time with you guys as a kid, and that's saying something. I almost never left my room."

"Then... When did Deceit do  all of those horrible  things to you?" Surely Remus was the bigger problem, and Deceit had  only been a relative nuisance...

"We  only had a couple months before he forced me on camera, but-"

"How DARE he! Performing should always be consensual!"

"Thanks...?  It was awhile before I even knew who he was, much less stood up to him..." Virgil squeezed his eyes shut tight before the memory redirected Roman's attention.

_"Patton, Patton, please, open the door, it's Anxiety, I-" Virgil tried to keep his breathing under_ _control so_ _he could talk, but the door swung open before he could continue._

_"Anxiety? What are you doing here, kiddo? We're all done filming for today, so you don't have to worry about-"_

_"It's not that, please,_ _just_ _\- Can I come in?"_

"Wait... What video had we  just finished?" Roman was well aware that he probably didn't truly want to know, but that  it was probably still better for him to have the proper context.

"The Valentine's one..." Virgil muttered without meeting Roman's eye.

Roman refrained from commenting,  simply nodding for Virgil to continue.

_"Of course! Is something wrong?"_

_"Can anyone get in here? What if they come here?"_

_"Anxiety, kiddo, what's happening?"_

_"I_ _just_ _couldn't do it anymore, Patton, and he's so mad, and what if he-"_

_"Who?"_

_Virgil was crying now, black streaks of misplaced eye shadow dripping down his face. "Deceit," he breathed. It would be a stretch to even call it a whisper. "I don't want to be like him."_

***

"As important as I find this topic, the matter of Remus's escape is still on the figurative table." On the one hand, Logan was getting worried about the implications of which side could have done this. On the other, he knew Virgil could use a change of topic.

"It wasn't Deceit. He hates Remus." Virgil still looked notably anxious, but Logan did read gratitude as well.

"Why would he hate him? Surely he could use him, or-"

"Think about it, Roman. How off did he seem when he found out Apathy was the oldest?"

Roman winced at the reminder before looking deep in thought. "He does prefer to be the leader... What does that have to do with Remus?"

"Remus is the oldest Dark Side. At least  who's still dark... He poses a threat to Deceit's control and power."

"Wait... Who's older than Remus?"

"All four of us have existed longer than Remus, Roman, surely you are aware-"

"You know what I mean. Who's not  really a Dark Side but is older than Remus?"

Virgil sighed. "Hi, I'm Anxiety. I used to be locked in the Subconscious because of how much Thomas struggled with me in Middle School. I'm Patton's first Dark Side."


End file.
